We met on a long summer day on the tallest mountain top in America sometime in June of 2023. Sean stumbled across a non-responsive Marina on the side of a seldom traveled hiking trail. She was in a tough spot; it was easy to surmise she’d been a victim of a triple-lizard bear attack. Even though she was suffering, Sean couldn’t deny the all-at-once unfamiliar and intoxicating feeling rushing up from deep inside his chest, she was beautiful. Could this be fate? Sean blinked slowly. He could tell that under all the sweat and muck and… various other substances that she was quite sharp in addition to probably being both hilarious and incredibly creative. Then, abruptly remembering himself (and the dire situation at hand) he sprang into action. Sean engineered and executed a plan that would have taken a normal man years to put together: a slingshot that would fling Marina to the nearest hospital. The calculations had to be VERY specific (good thing Sean was and always has been a genius). As he sat and watched Marina’s limp body fling across the tips of mountains, he couldn’t help but doggedly follow after her. The wilderness was unforgiving and it took him several long days to arrive at the hospital. As Sean finally reached her side Marina’s hazel-green eyes (in the right light the same exact color and shade of his own) fluttered open. And it was in that very moment he was moved to ask for her hand in marriage. Of course, she said yes.

Just kidding, we met on Hinge. Yes, that is a dating app.